Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Many hands make light work
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!