@5hael

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

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@murrman5

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

@Staggfilms

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

@VerifiedJayy

My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar

@NewDadNotes

*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@dlockw21

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

@mdob11

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

@Crutnacker

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that