I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.