brent use the shallow end
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
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Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My gf said “tie me up and do what you want” so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar
*cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that