When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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No, YOUR illiterate.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
same energy
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???