If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.
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7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!
Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER