invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
mariah carrie
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”