so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶