Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
There is no “we” in pizza
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”