All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You Might Also Like
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
i love modern commerce
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.