I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp