*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
When someone says you are so lazy
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.