I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

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Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.


What woman say right before they kill you:

No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.


Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.


Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Mani/pedi ??
Sexy panties ??

Ready for my big *date!



Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*


I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.


Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*


Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?

Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..


W: Really? Idiot.


Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..


Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.