If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!