Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
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[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise