I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Lol
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.