Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.