I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.