@ConanOBrien

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

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@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@zachreinert03

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@mommajessiec

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@BindzBrain

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

@KrangTNelson

stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman

@Westoff123

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

@lawyerthoughts

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.