I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

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My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.


I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.


Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts


Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.


[enter password]
[password not strong enough]


I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.


No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you


ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*