I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.


*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion


My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me


At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.



Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.


Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.


Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.


A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.


The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber