@FattMernandez

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

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@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@Skoogeth

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@JustDontBugMe

[Wedding]

Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.

@ClichedOut

Her: Nice horse. Do you race her?

Me: Lol I’m way too fat and slow.

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@3sunzzz

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@CaucasianJames

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber