You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Stick it to the man
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
This guy’s not having it 😆
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
they split up moments later
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna