@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

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@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@just1fool

My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.

@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@GingerHotDish

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

@dadmann_walking

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@Laser_Cat

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

@therealeatwood

I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton