I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food


My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.


Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.


*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.


I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.


Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.


*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.


I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton