I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

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I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.


Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.


Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.


A cop stopped me & asked “do you know why I followed you” so I said “cause my tweets are funny” & we laughed & high-fived & I’m in jail.


Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.


ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.


Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.


Pretty disappointed to see that some of you lived through the night.