I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.