I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die