@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

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@ScaryMommy

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@WilliamAder

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

@trojansauce

DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

@LittleMissAngr1

Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.

@Browtweaten

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

@DanMentos

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

@KalvinMacleod

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@garrettbarry70

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.