Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage
Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.