I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
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Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.