I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Word!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Every damn time