@joeljeffrey: I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can "sneak by you", but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren't sneaky at all.
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@batkaren: "Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?" he asks. "What's a matter baby?" I ask. I'm shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it. "Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?"
@roostermustache: Kid: help my cat's stuck in a tree can you save him Me: of course little girl *throws bible at cat* do you accept jesus as your lord
@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation