ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
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Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.
I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At 8:00 AM.
In the snack food aisle.