@joeljeffrey: I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can "sneak by you", but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren't sneaky at all.
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@UncleDuke1969: PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted. ME: I have "Tom's Diner" in my head. PSYCHIATRIST: Haha... It's a catchy song! ME: Yeah, it is. PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head? ME: Since 1987. That's why I'm here.
@daemonic3: wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices me: ok, let's start tomorrow [next day] me: [holding severed goat head] honey i'm home wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
@DannyEarl: Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming
@TheBoydP: Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.