i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
#Caturday
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
When libraries troll their patrons.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you