I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.