@rad_milk

i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead

You Might Also Like

@DurtMcHurtt

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

@TheSweetestD_

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

@KimmyMonte

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

@DouchyDocLove

Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.

@mommywhitfield

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that