i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead

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[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?


I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.


[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota


The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.


I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?


Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.


Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that