Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.