I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
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An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*