I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
back to work
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My dating profile:
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
October already? What’s next? November????
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”