I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”