Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.