We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience