“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.