wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”