I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
You Might Also Like
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The first one, obviously
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”