I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My favorite farside!!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal