I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.