I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
You Might Also Like
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing