As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.