Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
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Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
He is just living hist best little life 😊
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”