I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
my nickname in college
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.