I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.

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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.


ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out


Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”


Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.


9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..


Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much


My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.


Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.