My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I always keep a hammer in my pocket in case someone asks me to help them fix something so I can immediately break my leg.
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
Retweet to save a life.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.