[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: