I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.