@collegefession

“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU

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@CutCopyPasta

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

@girl_a_whirl

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

@susie_meister

If we eliminated, “Is your car running ok?” from our conversations, my dad and I would never speak.

@UnFitz

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets