Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.