“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU

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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.


Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.


WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?


If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.


Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”


Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?


wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight


Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”


Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants