What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I suck at video games. I mess up the character’s life like I have my own. I played Mario today and he ended up $60K in debt and had 4 DUIs.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”