I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]