All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Canada has crack?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.