Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.