I always keep an old key and a map with random X’s all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.

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Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever


Give me one good reason we shouldn’t train falcons to rip the heads off of parking meters


GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER


people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.


I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.


I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.


My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.


ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful