I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.