I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.


Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.


DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog



me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?


Sick and tired of birds going to any concert they want for free. Maybe get a job and buy a ticket like the rest of us.


My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.


I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?


Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes


Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.