@aaroncoal

I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

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@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@trumpetcake

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

@rad_milk

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

@KevinFarzad

Sick and tired of birds going to any concert they want for free. Maybe get a job and buy a ticket like the rest of us.

@usermcuserface

My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.

@schmuuur

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

@abbycohenwl

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

@LMLMadness

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.