@sgeezy99

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

@TheHyyyype

NEW TEACHER: i’m mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, “baes” and “fams.” i’m not your “squad” and this isn’t “goals.” this is english class, where we speak correctly. “sorry not sorry.”

STUDENT: mr jones

TEACHER: yes?

STUDENT: that was lit

@stevevsninjas

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

@clindsaysway

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

@allisonkilkenny

A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic