I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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Saw your ex at the shops
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
for all #parents out there
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.