You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Unionize your workplace
I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
Stop rating olive oils on their level of promiscuity
NEW TEACHER: i’m mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, “baes” and “fams.” i’m not your “squad” and this isn’t “goals.” this is english class, where we speak correctly. “sorry not sorry.”
STUDENT: mr jones
STUDENT: that was lit
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic