the council will decide your fate
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
also my go-to takeaway order
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*