I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…