I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws